I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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