Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
