I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
smell my finger.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize