Apparently you make a good broom.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
