He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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