i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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