Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
