There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
