So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
