The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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