Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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