there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
