you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
