I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
