My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
