Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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