We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
