the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
