He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
