I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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