I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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