thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize