I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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