apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
