So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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