Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
