just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
