dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
People in love make me want to vomit
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
