YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize