Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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