Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
