he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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