Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
