20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I fill condoms, not promises.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
