really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
