she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
