I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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