you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
