You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
