last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
