Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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