take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
