I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
