The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Of course I have a pirate flag
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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