he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
