My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize