The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
