I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
