Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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