If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
