Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
