She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
