just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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