after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize