I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
