i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
