my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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